A conversation with my rubber duck

It's been a challenging week. The week started out pretty good, I had a long todo list, decided to start with the hardest one and had it figured out by Tuesday. The rest seemed like a piece of cake after, well until I felt a throbbing pain in my head the next morning. Nothing major, but I was starting to feel sick. I did what I usually do, sleep it off. The next three days were spent sleeping, feeling like I'm falling behind, and questioning what am I doing. Basically a lot of fears coming up to the surface and asking questions like, do you think you are good enough to be able to do this? The biggest one being, this (ioignition) is not going to work, it's a toy, is missing a lot of basic features and on and on.

I'm at a point where I'm wondering, should I quit? What I feel honestly is, no. My reason being I haven't done everything I possibly can. I'm not going to quit, not yet anyway, but it's been haunting me. Life of a solo dev has an obvious downside, the solo dev. The plan is simple, to do the best I can. Yes, that's pretty much the entirety of it. In all honesty, there's a lot of things that need doing, most of them that feel quite overwhelming. I don't have a concrete plan, just a gut feeling, a basic idea of what the goal is and that's about it. The rest is meant to be learnt on the way. So fuck it. That's what I'll do. Read this yesterday and it resonates:

We shall build good ships here at a profit if we can at a loss if we must but always good ships

So that's the entire plan, the rest will appear along the way. Feels good to admit that I don't know what I'm doing, in fact I have zero clue. If I have given any other impression, ignore them. This is the truth, I don't know what I'm doing. The only thing I do know is that I want to do this thing, for the long run. As to how, who knows? Not me.

So that's it for today, I'm going to write some code because that's why I got into this whole thing. To write code that I want to write, the way I want to write it. It might sound weird but I write code to decompress sometimes, I pick a problem that is relatively easy and solve it, which quickly gets out of hand. It's fun though.

What was the point of writing this? For the one person reading this who might be wondering.

There is no point, I was feeling overwhelmed, making a big deal out of something tiny. But I'm okay now, about six paragraphs in. That was the point. So this is a selfish article written to help me clear my head. Why? It helps. Plus, it's hard for me to explain the complete reasons for my irrational thinking patters and thoughts, nature decided long time ago that it would make life boring and hence not worth living. I agree.

It's weird, I'm feeling better. Thanks 🦆.